Friday, June 20, 2014

Of Ismauns, Malauns, and Firauns

Of Ismauns, Malauns and Firauns

by azly rahman

Last night, while discussing Plato’s Apology (on the trial of Socrates) , a little thought the size of a tiny brain cell visited me: ahh, indeed there are Ismauns, Malauns, and Firauns in the consciousness of the Malays.

This is a good thought, I was thinking, but still not good enough for my people back home. Our challenge is to explain in simple terms the philosophical dimension of the illness plagued onto the Malays and how to explain this to the kampong folks.

And yet, I was also thinking of a cure; for the demons Ismauns, Malauns and Firauns are none other than a smart and cheap pill: Pil Chi Kit Teck Aun, a kiasu-coated pill yet to be developed to flush out all the materials that have corrupted the body, mind, and soul of the Malays.

Details on all these ‘auns’ later, as we talk about the dream of a true-blue-Johorean good and honest man Dato’ Onn, an enlightened warrior who was also fighting against the three glorified ghosts of the Malays. But first, who are the Ismauns, Malauns, and Firauns, one might ask? Warrior Onn gave up, but his spirit lives on in those wishing to exorcise those bad spirits.

Who are you these three “auns”?

ISMAUN - is the acronym for the Islamic Society of Misrepresenting All Unrepresented Malays... a self-glorifying NGO funded through their family’s crowd funding;
MALAUN - is the acronym for Malays Against All Un-united Nationalists; and
FIRAUN - needs no acronym but it could be Fraternity of Illuminated Robbers Against the Underprivileged Nations.

So we now have the explanations in this Don DeLillo-White Noise-inspired novel of Malaya Jaya - and in the land of the Bunians in Pontian, the one-eyed invisible man is king of hindsights in a city where the only medicine they administer in Klinik Kota Bunian, for every known illness is the smart pill: Pil Chi Kit Teck Aun.

Message to the intruders of Malaysian history

Okay Ismauns and Malauns. We need to come back to our senses - what about if Portugal loses against the USA, we take it to will be an insult to the Malay race because the ’Guese were the earlier colonisers of Malaya (earlier than the McDonald’s Yankees) who blasted off the immigrant Malay kings of Melakka, its founder Param-Iswara an assassin from Palembang trespassed into an Orang Asli reserved land, intruded into a lone-durian village, Kampong Durian Tunggal, got circumcised in his dream, and sat under a durian tree watching a white crocodile do a butterfly stroke in the Melakka River and a mousedeer giving a flying-Dutchman ala Johann Cruyff-Kungfu kick to a Rottweiler, loved the place and wanted the land for his kingdom .

And that includes the spot of the lone durian tree he sat under without a safety helmet. Ahhh.. I will call this kingdom ‘Melakka’ as I hope one day, no traitor will make this place rhyme with the deplorable and seditious word ‘Cilaka’, the Assassin-Prince Para-Iswara told his bodyguards - a group of men in black who were also enjoying the show eating mangosteens flown in by a special Melakka Airlines.

Now, Ismauns and Malauns: that’s a bit of history for you and so, quit complaining about intrusions. We are all rightful citizens, including all the Malaysian prime ministers - whose parents are from the Kingdom of Siam, Bugisland or Boogie-Woogie wonderland, Formosa- China, Kerala or the Valley of the Kutty-clan, and next...

If we are not careful we may have one cloned from Planet Nobiru, as an American-experiment STEM-DARPA Project in democracy and designer DNA profiling,

So Ismauns and Malauns out there: be cool, be constitutional, and learn a bit of history and don't be idiotically angry.

We are all happy intruders and good and proud shapers of history rightful citizens now most importantly

Now let me go back to watching my World Cup game.

Spirit of the constitution

But before that and before I retreat to watch the second round of the competition of the world’s most beautiful game, let me end this lamentation on a ghostly and ghastly society we have become; by asking you Ismauns, Malauns, and Firauns to help answer this question:

Why is it so excruciatingly difficult for today's Malaysian leaders to understand the concept of ‘separation of powers’? There are only three branches to hold - and maybe one more - the Fourth Estate. Back to Political Science 101?

I wonder what people are taught in schools to become leaders - only Money Making 101 and How to Make Money Politically out of Modern Slavery and call it Patriotism or 1MalaysiaEndlessSuffering?

Perhaps, if not the Magna Carta yet, or the Roman Laws or Cicero’s speeches, people should at least understand what Demang Lebar Daun said to Sri Tri Buana eons ago, with regard to a form of social contract. (Mind you - these are not the names of tobacco leaves and three-headed-crocodiles.)

Or, better still, read Rousseau will you, politicians! Time will be better spent for the nation instead of at the golf and country clubs! (Not that I am against this - as I did play golf when I was a kid with my sabit/machete cutting grass in my kampong.)

I end this piece with the question: what then must we do to these Ismauns, Malauns, and Firauns amongst us, to bring back the spirit of Warrior Onn and the Philosopher-Prince Tunku Abdul Rahman to save us?
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