April was quite a
hilarious month for us. April showers should bring May laughters, I’d say. I
have been reading about the ongoing cases of demons possessing humans in
Kelantan, a university developing an ‘anti-hysteria kit’, a Sharia-compliant
airline doing non-compliant business, 15,000 bomohs pledging support for Prime
Minister Najib Abdul Razak, and to make matters bigger, a report of a stall
selling chickens that have undergone ‘Quranic therapy’, at twice the price.
I wrote my own news report on the case of the
mass hysteria and on Pontianak the she-demon on trial.
BREAKING NEWS... bigger than Malaysia's 1MDB
PutarJaya, April 22, 2016: The cause of the
recent mass hysteria in Pengkalan Che’ Pa Kelantan has already been discovered.
The demon or evil spirit responsible was not The Pontianak (The Nail-in-the
Neck-Daughter of Ponti-Female-Ghost from Pontian, Johor) as claimed. She was
arrested under the Intestinal Insecurity Act of 2015, Malaysia’s notorious and
draconian and Draculanian Act preventing conversion, reversion, and possession
of human beings.
It replaced the Orang Bunian Act of 2014 which
prosecute those illegal voters who received instant identity cards if they
could prove that they were possessed by demons at the time of the general
elections.
Pontianak denied possessing the spirits of
those girls.
“This is certainly as conspiracy against me
and the entire rusty-nail industry,” she yelled and screamed and shrieked in
the Kota Baru police station. Her lawyer, Draku anak Ular (dracula, in short)
formerly a rock star-turned televangelist and who had made a U-turn to become a
criminal lawyer specialising in demon possessions, was with her.
Pontianak will be bathed, perfumed, and sent
for cosmetic surgery in Sydney before being presented to the judge and the
500-men jury - in a trial fashioned after the 5th century in Athens, Greece
when the fate of Socrates was decided upon, ‘No bathe, no trial’ Judge Sir Nahi
Mungkar said.
Pontianak is not keeping silent. She is
claiming invisibility and transparency on the matter.
New evidence, provided by the government’s
private investigators, The Toyols (little golems in bottles bought wholesale in
Mecca) reveals that there is strong possibility that Pontianak may have been framed.
Police, with the help of private investigators
and a team of Forensic Ghost Busters from Golok are now looking for a new
suspect: HANTU GULI or the Marble Ghosts claimed by some of those possessed as
being the real culprit in kidnapping those female souls in Pengkalan Che’ Pa.
This new development is going to shock the
nation. There has been no record of a ghost by the name of Marble Ghost or
HANTU GULI. The closest to that name the police have is THE MARBLE CAKE.
Or the case of losing one’s marbles.
Details at Friday Night midnight. As always.
The trial of Pontianak
“Where were you on the night of Friday the
13th. in Pengkalan Che’ Pa?" the chief prosecutor, Pandawa anak Raya,
yelled into Pontianak’s left ear.
“I was with Hantu Galah outside Hankyu Jaya
Alor Star. We were playing ‘galah panjang’.”
“After that?” Pandawa roared.
“We went to Pekan Rabu to get some nasi lemak
kaw kaw and drink some minyak gamat Langkawi.”
“After that?”
“We walked invisibly to Bulatan Wan Jah to
meet with Hantu Raya and Hantu Laut. We were practicing our Rempit-izing skills
for the upcoming KL Grand Rempit Prix organised by the City Mayor. You know,
every Friday night is KL Rempit Maharaja Lela night. They have a racing
category for ghosts like us. They call it Ghost Riders.”
“After the meeting... you go where?” the
prosecutor screamed into Pontianak’s right ear, in seemingly bad Malaysian
English.
“Then we went to do some laundry.”
“What laundry? Be specific, You Devil Woman!”
“MONEY LAUNDERING lah... bodoh punya lowyar
buruk!” Pontianak was losing her cool after being yelled at in both ears.
“And then?”
“WE ATE 6,821 AMERICAN PIES. Yes, that many
was sent to us through our secret restaurant in PutarJaya. Restoren Satu
MalaysianDah Tahu Of course, being ghosts we ate everything and nothing.”
“What do you mean those pies were missing?”
the prosecutor, dressed like Darth Vader, barked.
“Well, as ghosts, what you eat will all end up
on the ground or the floor. We do not have stomachs like you human beings.”
“I rest my case, Your Honour,” Pandawa anak
Raya said to the judge. “This is getting too nauseating and disgusting. Eating
that many American pies and not taking the responsibility of going to a proper
toilet, Dajjal punya perempuan hantu! Mau tipu ka?” he looked at Pontianak and
screamed, this time, into both ears. A stereophonic scream.
‘Quranic Therapy Chicken’
And then there was this story of a Pasar Malam
stall selling ‘Quranic Therapy Chicken’? I wrote these on my Facebook:
BELIEVE ME
HELP ME
GET ME A STRAIGHT JACKET
PLEASE SEND ME TO THE ASYLUM
I can’t stop laughing... been five minutes
already... !
A stall in Malaysia selling chickens that have
been made to go through a ‘Quranic therapy’ before being slaughtered. It is
more than halal and costs twice more... because of the Quran therapy and the
‘public conversion’ from a pagan chicken to an Islamic chicken now, just in
time before they were sent to the gallows... I am laughing while typing this
.... we are seeing the fall of the Colonel Sanders Empire as we are laughing!
HA HA HA AYAM TERAPI QURAN... AYAM HYSTERIA!
QURANIC-THERAPY CHICKENS NOW AVAILABLE ONLY in
MALAYSIA
Doubly-Halal slaughtered, Double-priced for
quality assurance. Islamised before slaughterised. The only kind of chicken in
the world prepared with the highest dose of religiosity. You think our chickens
are expensive? Well - go eat pagan ones then!
Our chickens are double shariah-compliant and
we made sure each of them gets a headphone for their pre-slaughtering
therapy... If you too are stressed and depressed... you must try our
therapeutic chicken.
For corporate orders of a hundred and one
birds, we give you a free Anti-Hysteria Kit! And for two hundred and two orders
you get a free CD of Zakir Naik’s recipe for Chicken Masala.
On the capitalising of religion and the
invention of the anti-hysteria kit, I wrote these:
RELIGION, PSEUDO-SCIENCE, QUACK-ISM, and
CAPITALISM at work?
but seriously here are some questions:
Because you claimed that this kit was
developed using scientific studies and methods,
·
How do you then test
the effectiveness of it as a product, using scientific methods of data
collection,
·
How do you collect
data and triangulate and test validity and reliability?
·
Do you interview the
ghosts, too?
·
Do you put the demons
under a microscope?
·
Do you set up
controlled/experimental design? Of the possessed and not possessed? How do you
get legal consent from the participants?
·
What methodology will
you use?
·
Do you even consider a
study of ‘demon/spirit’ possession as worthy of a ‘scientific study’?
·
How does science
responds to phenomena based on superstition?
·
Or are you
capitalising on the Malay-Muslim gullibility and trying to profit from it and
thereby bringing pseudo-science to a level of pseudo-religiosity? – ar
Profiting on gullibility of human beings
On the story of 15,000 bomohs supporting
Najib, I wrote these:
SERIOUSLY
I am not kidding... not Harry Potter stuff
either
I think we should have a university on
Bomoh-ism
we can call it University Bomohisma Satu
Malaya (or University Da’Bom)
we need lots of ANGEL investors
15,000 Malay bomohs supporting Najib .
Those were the notes I made to document
direction Malaysian-Muslims are taking in using religion to profit on the
gullibility of human beings. The culture of scientism and pseudo-science
enmeshed with the zealousness of some Muslims and the desperate need to be
‘shariah-compliant’ have made Malaysia an interesting case study of how
religion in the practice of daily lives is evolving but also how stories as
hilarious as these are developing as a smokescreen to the larger issue of the
globally-linked and pervasive issue of the mega-massive corruption case of the
1MDB.
Yet, religion has been used
as the ganja of the masses. Because there are addicts. And that is not a
laughing matte
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