Malaysian History X and Its Panda-monium

by azly rahman

 

 

1) MALAYSIA'S PANDA CONSPIRACY?

I am beginning to have this strange feeling that there is something brewing in the RM25 million panda loan (pantaloon?) top- secret project. History is about to be rewritten, I am telling yo'll. As soon as the baby panda comes out as the result of the Sino-panda One-Child-max copulation project, Malaysians will have a new national mascot replacing the Belang the Harim...au (Balau) .. or the Stripes the (Albino) Tiger.

Why? Why Why? (Delilah ...)

History is repeating itself. Think about what happened in 1400, more that 700 years ago. Hang Tuah was a Chinese warrior the magnitude of KungFu Panda and he was only given a few months to master the Malay silat. He was an agent of the Emperor, don't yo'll get it?

And what was the Hang Li Po entourage about? That was like a mass wedding of the Moonie Church of the Reverend Sung Yoong Moon, wasn't it? And suddenly there were many many warriors by the name of "Hang" produced, like Agent Smiths of the Matrix.

And, as I have said in a previous post/note, when Melaka fell to the Portuguese, the "Hangs" ran to Melakka and everybody started calling each other "Hang .." and when they are angry they started being rude by calling other "Hangpa semua gila ...!" .. (Yo'll are crazy yo!)

My biggest fear is that the Malay fascists extremists will start ganging up with the academicians and come up with a new theory of KungFu KungTau Panda and the Origin of the the Malay Hero and next, you'll have mascots sold in pasar malams/nightime flea and flies market -- of these soft toys and we'll see the death of Doraemon. (A gentle reminder: Ultraman is dead in Malaysia -- a pronouncement somewhat similar to what the German philosopher Nietzsche made about god in Man and Superman.)

Entahlah Mak ..
I don't know Mother ...
(" ...I'm just a poor boy I need no sympathy
because I'm easy come easy go
mama mia mama mia figaro ...." )

It is all a mad mad mad world ... of Kungfu Kungtau TaPau Panda ...

(Not bad for a note that could possibly turn into my column for this week -- (LOL?))

2)  MALAYSIA'S PANDA CONSPIRACY #2

 History of Melakka X Reloaded ...

 

Ultra-Malay historians and archaeologists working with the Ministry of Truth are beginning to believe in the historical proposition that it was not a reindeer (kancil) that the Murderer-Founder of Melakka Parameswara saw kicking a dog into the Straits of Melakka while he was sitting under an old durian tree.

It was a panda!

And records from memos written on the "lontars" and cave walls and status updates of the Melakka X Annals revealed that it was not an ordinary panda but a killer panda; trained in a Shaolin Temple way up in the mountains of what is now the site of the largest Kentucky Frightened Chicken joint in the Communist world.

It was a killer panda trained to only kick dogs because when the earlier Majapahit assassin-princes were sitting under a "Melakka" tree waiting for that "reindeer-kick-dog" moment to happen, so that "Melakka" could be "found", nothing actually happen. Yes, you may say that it is a surrealistic moment: what does kicking a dog straight into the Melakka River has got to do with the founding of Melakka?

Well that's the problem with the philosophy of history. Think of this: had Paramewara sat under a much older and gerontologized durian tree with that single and lonely durian, and that durian by the complex interplay of Fate and Free Will, and the power of the deux et machine, and even of bad karma, Paramewsara would have been killed instantaneously! ( as the Siamese would tell you, with their experience with durians as weapons) And there will be no traces of Melakka history, nothing to be founded, no Melakka pluderer-sultans to lullaby the Malay mind into submission, and no ketuanan Melayu too. Imagine that, if you can for one moment become John Lennon.

So-- it was a panda, not a reindeer. We have to rewrite that part of Malay history.

And history is always about sweet memory too. It is okay to pay RM 70 million for that sweet memory so that, as Tun Sri Lanang, the handsomely-paid scholar-culprit who wrote about the glory of the plunderer-rulers instead of translating Plato's work on philosopher rulers .. as he said: "the story of the Panda kicking the dog must be told ... so that future generations will never forget our history ... and panda and not reindeer it shall be ... and mind you, it is not an ordinary ten-ringgit-a-day rental panda" it shall but a killer kungfu panda"

 Amen to that piece of undisputed historical fact we shall drum into future generations especially in our public universities. Amen to the pandas too.